


Paranoid

by SamuelJames



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-01
Updated: 2010-05-01
Packaged: 2017-11-01 00:19:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/349917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamuelJames/pseuds/SamuelJames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xander's confidence issues create problems</p>
            </blockquote>





	Paranoid

**Author's Note:**

> Title: Paranoid  
> Pairing: Xander/Andrew  
> Rating: 15+/R  
> Summary: Xander's confidence issues create problems  
> Disclaimer: Buffy The Vampire Slayer is the property of its creators. No copyright infringement is intended.  
> Archiving Information: Please do not archive elsewhere on the net.

Spike's back and now so are Xander's insecurities. Of course back is in LA not in the same town like before with he and Andrew now based in England but Andrew never did let go of that crush. In fact Andrew had persisted in the idea that Spike's powers would have saved him. This insistence had caused all of them to worry, so much so that Giles had recommended Andrew see a psychiatrist. Xander had been a supportive friend, letting Andrew talk but also encouraging him to accept that Spike was gone.

Xander has three more weeks here and Africa is a beautiful place but he misses his boyfriend a lot. Africa and England makes for one hell of a long-distance relationship. They haven't even decided if England will be a permanent move. Xander misses home and though the language is pretty much the same England is quite different to America. Of course after this mission for the council there will probably be others. Nothing is set in stone which doesn't help Xander. He just keeps hearing the words Spike's back over and over again.

Andrew sounded happy, no scratch that, jubilant would probably cover Andrew's excitement levels when he'd called Xander to give him the news. If he'd noticed Xander's enthusiasm was faked he didn't comment. It's not that Xander begrudges Spike his existence, Spike had come to be a trustworthy ally and definitely deserved some sort of reward for what he'd gone through. Still a comparison between the lithe, toned Spike and his own stockier frame left Xander under no illusions as to which one of them was better looking. In a choice between a hot badass vamp or a pirate look-a-like Andrew wouldn't choose him.

Andrew's grief after Spike's 'death' had been hard to witness and when he finally did let the tears fall Xander had been the one to comfort him. Comfort had led to kissing and sex. Sex had somehow become a relationship but now Xander's confidence faltered. Seemed he was always destined to be jealous of a vampire. In some ways Andrew had been a little starstruck by Spike. He'd always looked to Warren for leadership and after Warren he'd transferred that allegiance to Spike. With Spike gone Andrew had begun to flourish, wanting Xander's approval and yet trusting his own instincts more. Between his therapy and the training from Giles, Andrew was definitely more confident. Oh God, what if Andrew decided to move to LA? Spike had never and would never return Andrew's affections but that didn't stop Xander worrying. He now had visions of returning to find Andrew's things gone. They didn't have a lot, everyone's stuff was in a crater where Sunnydale used to be but they'd made their rented apartment a nice place to live. 

They'd only been together a few months. Their start hadn't been ideal but then whose was. Maybe if they'd been more settled or together longer he wouldn't be so worried. He trusted Andrew but couldn't quiet his mind. Visions of Andrew packing up his stuff floated through Xander's mind. Sleep only came to him as the sun began it's climb into the sky. When he did sleep he dreamt of Andrew, a dream where he was watching himself and Andrew in bed, kissing. The dream changed into Spike and Andrew and as happens in dreamworld they were suddenly having sex right in front of him. Dream Xander had stood by the bed waiting to be noticed as Andrew made noises that Xander had never heard before.

Xander was tired and grumpy the next day but did what he needed to get done, three weeks wasn't such a long time he tried to convince himself. The days seemed to drag even though he and Andrew spoke on the phone. He often made excuses to cut calls short and in a stellar bout of self-sabotage told Andrew that he missed him but that the trip had made him see that they worked better as friends. It was better that he do this over the phone than put Andrew in the position of having to act upset about Xander ending things. As it was Andrew did protest but after establishing that Xander really wanted to end things he'd said a soft goodbye and hung up. Xander knew it would take time to get over Andrew but when he did he could find someone outside of their group, who didn't know every embarrassing thing about him and would hopefully see beyond the eye patch. He wasn't terribly self-conscious around his friends but strangers tended to stare. Sometimes children, who didn't have a filter on their mouths like adults did, would point and ask does that man only have one eye? 

Back in England Andrew spoke when spoken to and didn't confide in anyone. Giles' polite offers of a shoulder to cry on were rejected in favour of more focus on his watcher training. He'd missed Xander terribly and looked forward to their calls but now it was over. Had he done something wrong? This was his first proper relationship, maybe he'd missed some signs he ought to have seen. He cancelled the dinner reservations for the night after Xander's return. He didn't quite cry himself to sleep, the crying and the sleeping were two very separate things. Three days after the break-up he moved his things into Giles' place. He'd look for somewhere soon but didn't want to face Xander. It would hurt too much. Despite moving out his brain still taunted him with happy memories of him and Xander. He spent ages looked at the pictures of the two of them on his phone. He switched the background on his phone from a picture of Xander smiling to the generic picture that had been on his phone originally. He arranged to go and visit Buffy and Dawn for two weeks after Xander's return to delay the inevitable moment of seeing him again.

Xander's remaining time in Africa did not pass quickly but he was soon on his way back to England. After a couple of transfers Xander's final flight touched down and he half hoped Andrew would be waiting for him at arrivals. A little disheartened he made his way back to the apartment convincing himself that Andrew might be there. He hoped Andrew might want to fight for their relationship. He took a deep breath before inserting his key in the lock but there was nobody home. Instead there were gaps on the tiny bookshelf where Andrew's books and DVDs had been. In the bedroom there were empty drawers and one nightstand had been cleared. A solitary toothbrush sat in the holder in the bathroom. Xander unpacked his clothes and sorted them for washing. With one load in the machine he began making a list of groceries that he needed. He lied to himself that it was for the best, after all it was better it end now than wait for Andrew to leave him.


End file.
